A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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