I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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