So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
