A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
