My liver just broke up with me...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
