I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
