you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
