pop tarts are not kleenex
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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