fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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