i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You need a sexual gate keeper
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
