Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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