also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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