I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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