I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
