Don't make out with my wife yet
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
