As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
