Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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