Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
