I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
