Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
