saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
