if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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