She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
