Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
