If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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