when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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