You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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