just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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