I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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