You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
