Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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