I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
