I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
