theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
