bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
