There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
