I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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