You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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