Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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