my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
