i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
