It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
