There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
