it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
