Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
