Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
