I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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