We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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