My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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