Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
