So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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