I wish I could punch you in the face.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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