Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize