Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
