She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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