Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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